Joanna Koshy's Advice on Young Women

1. There is no surer way to offend a young woman than to answer her perennial question, "Do I look fat in this?" with a simple "No." Unreasonable, you cry, unjust, but that is the truth. The correct answer to this explosive query lies in between the overly brusque "Yes, you do. And stop asking me," and the overly poetical, "Goddess! When thy silken step emerged from that changing room I said to myself, this is a dream, for where else but in the mists of fantasy can such perfection of beauty be found?"

2. If a woman says of a man, when asked if she likes him, "What, him?" and laughs merrily, it is certain that she does not like him, but if she says, "What, him? Me, like him? Is he liked by me? Ye gods! It is a lie and a falsehood and I'll throw a brick at the next person who says it," it probably means that she really does like him. It is a subtle difference so do not be discouraged if you cannot make it at once- it takes years of practice to distinguish between the two.

3. On no account should you ever answer the question, "What do you love about me- my brains or my beauty?" Therein lies the path to ruination and disaster and sleeping on the couch for three weeks.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, ask a woman who is neither your wife nor related to you to make you a sandwich if you do not wish to die a most painful death. Woman is a temperamental, suspicious breed of being and, as any biologist will tell you, the best way to handle creatures of this kind is by reverse psychology. Vaguely deprecate her cooking skills without actually insulting her, gently scoff at the notion that she could ever perform a feat so worthy as the making of a sandwich, say that you wouldn't want it even if she did make it for you, and soon you will find yourself in possession of a sandwich, where before you had none. This method can also be judiciously applied to salads, dosa, curries and even,  if you are skilled in the art, to biryani. Nothing convinces a woman to do a thing better than to be told that she cannot do it.

5. If a woman says to you, "What's different about me?" and you can't for figure it out for love or money, here are a few things you can try: haircut, hairstyle, glasses, removal of glasses, braces, removal of braces and new earrings.
Here are some of the things you should not say in answer to this question:
(i) "Does your skin look drier? Are you sick?"
(ii) "Is that another wrinkle?"
(iii) "Did you forget to shave?"