The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything

Recently it was brought to my notice, by a critic of the Interwebs, that apparently I don't do enough to make my readers happy. In my previous naiveness, I assumed that the sunshine of my delightful personality would be enough to satisfy you, my fairly vast audience (twelve is fairly vast, right?), but apparently it's not. So, in the interests of keeping you lot satisfied, starting from now on, I will no longer make you wade through ridiculously long and hopelessly disconnected sentences to get to the point. Without further ado, here is the answer to life, the universe and everything:

The Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything:
42.

Unfortunately, due to this policy of telling you guys the punchline right at the beginning of the post, there is now no more reason for you to read till the end. I had realized this and with fiendish craftiness, I've made the answer to life, the universe and everything, sufficiently cryptic that you'll have to keep reading for an explanation. With further fiendish craftiness, I have also placed the explanation at the bottom of the post. Ha! You'll have to read all my crap, you poor shmucks! It has come to my notice at this point that some of you (I regretfully suppose that such people do exist) might skip the rest of my fascinating monologue to get to said explanation. Well, if you're that depraved, I guess there's nothing I can do except advise you to seriously contemplate the condition of your immortal soul. Go eat a cupcake or something.

Hey y'all how's it going? The summer continues to uphold its fairly high standard of brilliance. Amidst other things, I've gone through a lot of self-discovery in the past few months. I am my favourite subject, and I could tell you all the things I've figured out I'm not capable of doing, but I'll stick to two.

1. I am not cut out for looking after kids. I have no clue what they're talking about most of the time. Yesterday my sister asked me for a cannonball ride. The only association I made had to do with the practise of consuming humans, so I took her for a walk through the kitchen. Ba dum tss.


2. I am also not meant to be a bowler-ist-er. I went bowling recently, three years back to be precise, and then again this last week with my friends. The first time I went bowling was in Saudi Arabia, when I was twelve, and unsurprisingly I still suck at the game. I had further opportunity to realize this fact on Tuesday, when I went again with my family. On the whole, the experience was definitely good for my self-esteem in a nebulous way, because they're worse than I am, which I didn't actually think was possible. Reuel, my adorable brother, is the tiniest ten year-old I've ever seen and he couldn't even throw the ball down the alley so he just sort of carried it to the line, dropped it and walked off.  That was fine, but once he actually ran down the alley after the ball so my sister and I had to run after him. I am pleased to inform you that it is as much fun as it looks in Across the Universe.

That's all, folks. From Bangalore to you, good night, sweet dreams and I hope you had a lovely Thursday.

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I'm just kidding. The answer to life, the universe and everything was taken from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams and you have to read this book because it is brilliant and funny and just read it. Byeeee! xoxoxo

The One About Twilight (you knew this was coming).

I'M BACK, BABY DOLL! How I Met Your Mother whoo! I'm not sure if what Ted actually said was "baby doll" but for some reason it seems appropriate so SUCK IT UP. Clearly I am still my wonderfully sunny self. Isn't that a relief.
I'm back from Trivandrum! Not much new there except my grandad has an eyepatch. Alwaye is so freaking humid. If it was any more humid we'd be underwater. Also we took an auto from the railway station to my other grandad's house (the one without the eyepatch) and the rickshaw dude was a freaking lunatic. He had this indicator signal that sounded like opera singers and nails being scraped down blackboards and dying dolphins all mixed up into one terrible sound and the only time he wasn't using it, he was honking at something. He honked twenty six times at this poor old lady in an Alto. Unfortunately, he was deaf, the old lady was deaf and we were very close to having our hearing/sanity damaged for ever. I still love Kerala though!

Hey y'all how's it going? Wow, I haven't typed that in a while. It's strange blogging again after so long. The computer and I keep having long awkward moments when I have no clue what to say and it just sits there and stares at me judgmentally. Also the webcam is just looking at me which makes me feel really weird although I know its not alive. I could turn it away but I feel like that means it wins. I wonder if I'm certifiably insane yet because, if I am, that would be a pretty wicked conversation starter. Yep, I need help.

So this is a post I've actually wanted to write for a really long time. The Twilight series is one of the phenomena of the twenty-first century, right next to Harry Potter and Justin Bieber. So what is it about Twilight that makes teenager girls go crazy and Twifans physically attack twats that diss Edward and Bella? Harry Potter is brilliant and Justin looks like a Christmas elf with really good hair, so it makes sense that they're sensations, but why is Twilight such a big deal?
The inimitable Oatmeal has an explanation. He says that it's because Stephanie Meyer (bless her heart) took the characteristics every woman looks for in a guy, intensified them by a million times and turned them into one god-like being, Edward Cullen. I don't think its just that, I think this book is such a success because Stef's taken everything that average women want out of life and made it possible. Do you want to be rich, athletic, insanely beautiful and, get this, forever young? Just become a vampire! She hasn't created a new world, she's just crystallized every woman's secret desire into a tantalizing fantasy.
The Oatmeal's second explanation for this book's popularity is that this amazing romance seems possible for everyone. Bella is kind of like a half-person, a suit if you will, that you can just pick up and wear to imagine yourself in her position. Unfortunately that didn't work out for me. Here's why.

5 Reasons Why I Could Never Be Bella Swann (Cullen? Swann?)


1. If I found a dude in my house just watching me while I slept, which is completely normal, I would scream and look for pepper spray. I would not find it cute or romantic. Bella, you have a strange lack of desire for privacy. Don't you drool? Snore? Morning breath? Nothing? Wow.

2. I don't find sparkling guys hot. It might be handy to have a glittery boyfriend, you know, if you dropped your keys and needed the light or something but as a tool of seduction? Not really. Vampires are supposed to burn in sunlight! Stop Disney Princess-ing them!


3. Call me old-fashioned, but if I asked my fiancé  what he was thinking about and he said, "Oh nothing. Just thinking about how much your smell makes me want to drink your blood," I would return the engagement ring. And then run. For a couple of years.

4. I would not find it reasonable that the person I was planning to spend the rest of my life with used to kill people. Collecting stamps, okay. Part-time tap dancer, he's pushing the envelope but still forgivable. Routine murder, on the other hand, would be a bit of a deal-breaker. Mom and Dad, if you're reading this, look what a good job you've done raising your daughter.

5. At one point Edward says, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."At that point I was absolutely certain he was batting for the wrong team.





Apparently the results are coming out tomorrow. Aaaahhh! Have a good Wednesday!

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EDIT: Results on May the nineteenth!! Omg omg omg.