On Study Holidays

         Hello, everyone :) As the more perceptive of you may have realized, the last post was a bit of a departure from the norm. Fact is, I've always wanted to try writing a web series, and the Tale of Redbird seems as good a place to start as any. I hope you liked it, and the next edition of the story will be up by next Sunday or whenever I feel inspired to write again.

         I really have very little to write about today, as I am doing nothing at this point in my life except siting at home and staring blankly at my books. The sun's gift, melanin, is slowly draining from my skin and I'm becoming pale and sickly-looking. And, since I have absolutely no exercise except lifting my enormous textbooks, I'm also getting chubby. Sigh.

       Don't get me wrong. Study holidays have their benefits. For one thing, I can spend the entire day in my pajamas with my hair in an unflattering ponytail and nobody freaking cares. The diligent student look is very low maintenance- the only time I bathe nowadays is either when I have to go out somewhere or when the fumes rising from my unwashed skin start melting the low-density plastic objects in our house. Also, in our South Indian family system, anybody who's studying is a top priority, first class citizen.

(When I'm not studying): Ma, can I have a glass of water?
Mum: Do I look like your servant? Get up and get it yourself, you lazy fool!

(When I'm studying): Ma, can I have a glass of water?
Mum: Of course, darling, still or sparkling?
Me: Mum, Abi's breathing is disturbing my Physics.
Mum: ABIGAIL, STOP BREATHING. Can't you see your sister's studying?
Me: Can you feed me?
Mum: Do I have nothing better to do? Am I an unpaid servant in this house? Feed yourself.

     Ah, well. It was worth a shot.

     One of my Mum's few eccentricities is her attitude towards toothpaste. In many other respects,she is a very reasonable person, but there is a slight streak of insanity in her when it comes to toothpaste. She absolutely refuses to throw the tube away until every last drop of flouride-infused goodness has been squeezed out by means of blood, tears and elbow-grease. One morning, when I just couldn't get any more from the dry shell of the toothpaste tube, I walked to the dustbin and announced, determinedly, that I was going to throw the toothpaste out.

     She flew out of her room like she had wings, took the toothpaste from me and, after around fifteen minutes of slightly demented squeezing, she pushed a minuscule glop on to my brush.

      "There," she said triumphantly, in Malayalam, which made it a lot funnier. "And you wanted to throw it away."

          Have a very good Monday, everybody! If you're feeling overwhelmed by something, remember that the world is actually very big, and you're actually very small and unimportant. Hope that helped.

P. S.: Shout out to my readers in America, Poland and Germany. Thank you for reading!

P. P. S. I'm thinking of cutting all my hair off! This is a madness that comes occasionally on me and it always ends in sorrow and destruction. Please, please, someone, convince me otherwise.

Life Lessons And LOTR

           If you're anything like me (and hopefully, for the love of everything sacred, you're not), you are a flat-footed short Indian girl with big dreams and pretty much nothing else. No? Well, passing from the physical, let's consider the spiritual. Do you have no concept of time management? Are you a time-waster? A watch beater? Are you a Virgo?

         If you answered yes, then, my child, I feel sorry for you. The path you are traversing is a long, dark, cold one, filled with toads and disappointment, that will ultimately end in loneliness, much comfort-eating and diabetes. To save you from your impending doom, I will narrate to you the several mistakes of my life in the hope that you at least can change your ways, even though it's too late for me. Although, if you really are anything like me, you probably won't. Anyway, read on.

          My Chemistry teacher told us, at the beginning of our study holidays, that the period before the exam would be a time of self-discovery, a time to really find out What We're Made Of, to assess the deepest, darkest, vilest parts of our immortal souls. She was right. During the study holidays, I was forced to meditate deeply on my actions and my character, and scrutinize the very depths of the fibers of my being, in a process of enlightenment and self-realization. And what I found out about myself is that I'm a complete idiot. Here's why:

In the Beginning: God created heaven and earth (with apologies to any offended atheist readers. Feel free to call the wrath of Darwin down on me). A few millenia afterward, I sat down and drew up a timetable that fondly envisioned me studying fourteen hours a day, leaving eight hours for sleep and two hours for the other necessary functions like eating, bathing and Youtube.

On the First Day: I study diligently for three hours, and then get bored and read books/ draw things/ play the piano/ play the violin/ make noodles/ learn origami/ trim my toenails/ cut my fringe/ lie on my bed staring for hours at the ceiling pondering the meaning of life/ wonder why on earth I'm not studying. This pattern repeats several times.

Two Days Before the Exam: Realization hits and I am so horrified by the knowledge that I have spent the last million days doing absolutely nothing, and will now have to study thirty four hours a day to catch up, that I promptly decide there's no hope left and go to sleep.

One Day Before the Exam: I get into Super Student Mode and finish forty five chapters in less than over five hours.

One Day After the Exam: I sternly resolve never to put myself through such a harrowing experience again and then spend the time before the next exam doing exactly the same thing.

One Day After Results: I am dead, having been brutally murdered by my mother for my abysmal performance. On my tombstone is engraved in fancy script 'Joanna Koshy, Loving Daughter, Good Sister, Complete and Utter Moron'.

I've been reading Lord of the Rings again lately, and aside from the absolute magic of Tolkien's language, the internet is a treasure trove of joy and rainbows on the subject of Lord of the Rings. Although these are only drops in the ocean, here are a few gems I found, and you're welcome in advance.

My sister and I literally cried watching this video. One of the funniest things I've seen in a while.

I admit, I mostly watch this to look at Legolas, but it's also very funny. Lord of the Rings memes have a quality that's sadly lacking in future parodies. Save yourself some pain and don't watch the 'Where is the Rum Gone,' remix, that shows up in the related videos.

And, finally,

Have a good week! 

Tests and Thousands

TWO

 FREAKING


                                                                                THOUSAND!!!

High-fives all around! Five minutes back, I was like "Oh, let me see how the blog's doing" so I casually clicked on the bookmark. THEN I saw the hits counter and my face was like that^. Only less adorable. I was so stoked (yes, I said stoked, if you people get to say stuff like "chill out, rentals", I get to say stuff like stoked), that I stopped reading 'Young Men in Spats' and sat down to write a post. BTW, you must all read P. G. Wodehouse and we must all start talking like the people in his books.

My writing has been read two thousand times! I should probably say something special now. Something well-phrased, nicely self-effacing and sweetly touching. Something that will prove to you  guys that you haven't wasted your time, and together we will go big places in the future. Um...my friend's cat got electrocuted yesterday?

Hey y'all how's it going? WARNING: This post will not be a happy post. This post will have complaining, whining and even, at points, outright whinging. Things are no longer good in the magical kingdom of ISC Science. Tests have started and to make things worse,

There's more, it would horrify you how much more there is, but I'm only going to push you so far per post. Speaking of pushing people, and posts, the XI SCI classroom, as I have mentioned before, is on the top of a relatively high building (also, while we're speaking of speaking of things, they're not hawks, they're pariah kites apparently! Well, this is awkward, isn't it? The only thing to do in this situation seems to be to quote Shakespeare: A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet as a rose.) and I have recently realized the reason for this. The classroom is on the fifth floor  to weed out the weak ones. The only reason I didn't hurl myself off the balcony on Wednesday, while hurling, while screaming "Screw you, Galileo! You too, Einstein!" after the first test (I use a lot of parentheses) is because I figured I would do badly in Physics and Chemistry, and well in everything else to make up for it. LOL, Joanna. Just LOL.

We had English language today and it was terrible, which was a sobering experience for me as my family consists mostly of people who have taken English as a profession and I've never had to try especially hard to be good at it before. That was before they brought in intransitive verbs of incomplete predication, of course. Good times. This is especially bad because I will be thrown out of the house if I fail in this subject. I'm not even kidding. My Dad has a doctorate in English, my Mom almost has a doctorate in English, and if you want to go really far back, skipping a few more angrezi experts in between, my great-great grandfather used to translate for the phirangis. You can see why me getting a bad grade in "Verbs and Tenses 101" might be a big deal for the pride of my family. They might even consider an honour killing. 

We also had a Chem paper in the afternoon, which was a one and a half hour test and, surprisingly, not that bad. I used to hate chemistry, mainly because our last teacher wasn't very good, but I'm starting to enjoy it now, despite the fact that our current link to the mysteries of elements and Avogadro's number thinks we're three year-olds. "So, children, Uncle Haber said to the ammonia, 'Please react, ammonia, I will give you molybdenum and shredded iron-" Again, not even kidding.

That's all for now folks. Settle down children, there will be another one soon. Three tests left: Computers, Math and Shakespeare. I don't anticipate complete slaughter in any of these so next week should be less hectic. Despite the obnoxious whining, I continue to enjoy being a part of my amazing class. I'm getting closer to old friends and making new ones and basically, it's all good. Have a good week, look left and right before you cross the road, etc., etc.

LOOK A FOLLOW BUTTON!!!

P. S. Some of you may have noticed that I'm included in the Followers list. I follow myself. This is incredibly embarrassing for me, it's like I'm one of those indescribable losers who like their own status updates. For the record, I have never liked my own status in my life, except by accident, and then I immediately unliked it, while hyperventilating and worrying whether anyone noticed. The truth is, of course, that nobody looks at my status. Now I'm depressed. ANYWAY, I can't figure out how to un-follow myself. I had to tell you guys my side of the story, before you heard it from anybody else (I'm desperately hoping that I am now important enough to have critics), so please forgive me, and if anybody knows how to operate this fudging thing (fudging LOL. Swearing for three year-olds), I will be extremely glad to follow your instructions. That is all. Happy Friday!

P. P. S. I got the lead role in a play for CLADS (detailed post on CLADS later). Brofist!

Great Expectations

SPOILER ALERT: This post is not going to be about the brilliant novel by Charles Dickens. So if you came here because you have a report to give and you're too lazy to read the actual book, go eat a cupcake or something. Nobody likes you. Okay, I'm just kidding, the story ends with Pip and Estella getting married. Yes, I cried.
Hey y'all how's it going?
So this post is actually going to be about something that depresses me quite a lot. My board exam results. For those of you who are from not-India, the board exam is this really big test that you take when you're fifteen. And apparently, every time you fail a subject, a baby dies. Okay no, everybody knows that happens when you forget to recycle, but it is a really big deal over here.
See, Indian families are a lot like so-called "Asian" families, except less good looking (By the way, Indians are Asians too. Stop giving the Chinese all the credit). You're expected to get really good marks and become a doctor/engineer or the family is dishonoured. And we've all been told since we were six years old (hey that rhymed) that the course of our entire lives depends on this one examination.
So, you'd think that knowing all this, I would have spent at least the past two years preparing for it, which is what you're actually supposed to do. I have two words for you: I'm an idiot. See what I did there?
Not only did I NOT prepare before the examination, I spent most of the study holidays between each test sleeping. Who says nothing is impossible? I do it all the time.
Here is a list of things that I did in the month of March, which is when the exam was held:
1. Mastered the Japanese art of origami (Fold, crumple, throw away.)
2. Learnt three separate DIFFICULT piano pieces.
3. Baked a ton of chocolate cake.
4. Took a membership in a gym (because of all the cake)
and
5. Watched almost every episode of the Suite Life ever filmed. I don't know why but watching little blond people soothes me.
So there you have it. Five reasons why I really really don't want my results. Now, the good news. Hopefully, there'll be a new post by tomorrow. Yay!!
LOOK A FOLLOW BUTTON!!!