Introspection and Omelettes

"I like to start my notes to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we're the oldest and dearest friends, as opposed to what we really are. One teenager who chooses to inflict her views and opinions on the helpless Internets, and a person who's bored enough to read them."

For those of you who haven't had sufficient good fortune to watch You've Got Mail, that was a misquote. Yes, yes, I do like romantic comedies. It is one of the many embarrassing things about me.

Hey y'all how's it going? I woke up today morning facing a very unique problem. For personal reasons, I decided recently that for the rest of my life I will think about myself as little as possible and devote my time and energy solely to productive things. I don't think any of you realize how terrifying it is to actually do this. 

I have no clue what to do! On normal days, my activities are mainly:

1. Staring at myself in the mirror for minutes on end. (You must be a supermodel. You're gorgeous! Oh, baby, I know.)

2. Imagining myself in improbable situations involving sunsets, white horses and Hollywood actors.

3. Talking about myself. For ages. You know those moms who've recently had kids and just can't get over their adorable little squidges? I'm worse. 

 Usually I lie on my bed for a while after I wake up in a contemplative stupor. Today I got up after five minutes of c. s. because I couldn't think about myself at all, so I had nothing to think about. Which brings me to the incredibly disturbing question, where are the cookies?And also, less disturbing this, what has my life been like till now if, when you get past the superficiality and the egotism, there's nothing left?

Clearly there was nothing for it but to make a sandwich. Kids, this is how you handle problems like a boss. Anybody who makes sexist jokes or comments will be set on fire by the power of my mind

How To Make An Egg Sandwich Like A Koshy:

Step 1: Take an egg and tap it delicately along the edge of a small bowl. When delicacy fails, smash it up and down like it's an annoying demi-god and you're The Hulk. When egg breaks and gooey stuff goes everywhere except inside the bowl, curse the laws of physics for a while. This will help.

Step 2:  Get another egg and manage to get the contents (most of them, anyway) inside the bowl. Pick out pieces of eggshell with tool of choice, fingers for the primitive, spoons for the class, and then wonder for a while whether you should just get a bowl of Cornflakes.

Step 3: Add salt and pepper, according to taste, and then chilli powder. Wonder whether there's too little chilli and try to add a pinch more. Stare in disbelief as the entire contents of shaker fall on to the egg. 

Step 4: Whisk egg till fluffy with tool of choice (Refer above). At this point, realize that you forgot to heat the oil to fry the egg. Waste additional time trying to commit harakiri with the kitchen knife.

Step 5: While the egg is frying, toast two slices of brown bread, spread cheese over them and then put most of the contents of the fridge in between. I like cheese so I put in an extra cheese slice in addition to the spread (very bad), sliced cucumber, tomato sauce, capsicum and then a spritz of lime. If you are adding lime to your sandwich, it is vital that you manage to squirt some in your eye.

Step 6: By this time your egg should be a charred wreck that smells vaguely like crushed hopes, so take it off the stove and add it to the separate universe that is slowly but surely forming between your slices of bread. Emerge from the kitchen disheveled and bleeding in several places. Enjoy your egg sandwich.

It's Monday again! Does it seem to be Monday too often lately? 

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