Once upon a time there was a man who was a wonderful, loving, considerate, good-looking person The catch was that he had made his money as a bank robber and, on hot days, his palms were occasionally sweaty. Kids, we're all human. The truth is that no man is perfect, and don't you let Disney tell you any different. This man fell in love with a lady who dies very early on in the story, so I'm not going to bother with much character development for her. They got married and their union was quickly blessed by a beautiful baby girl, whom they decided, in a fit of fey humour, to name 'Ella'.
Things were going too well at this point and since stories without conflict are boring, the universe decided to make little Ella an orphan, for the sake of the plot. The universe is kind of a jerk that way.
Ella's father had had a business associate back in the old days when he was a tattooed young punk doing stick-up jobs for drug money. One drunk night he slipped a knife into this man's ribs and made off with the loot they'd accumulated till that point. Crazy Bill didn't forget, and eventually, he tracked down his old friend. The lesson from this is that if you've made the decision to try and kill someone (wrong and uncouth behaviour), at least make sure they can't find you later and get revenge.
Ella's mother was taken away to the unknowing void (she was an atheist) first, in a drive-by shooting. Ella's father took the baby and ran. Two years passed, and one day he figured out that his problems were even bigger than a psychopath with a grudge. Ella had requested (as much as incessant crying and screaming till the lungs are devoid of oxygen are considered a request) that he buy her a barbie doll for her third birthday. And he realized at this point that he was not man enough to take his little girl to the store and undergo the process of barbie doll selection himself, enduring the various looks of pity and contempt from the sweater-wearing mothers who lurk in these dank holes of sparkly consumerism and death.
And one after another terrible visions filled his mind of the painful but necessary scenes that would inevitably ensue from his single parenthood - the awkward "birds and bees" conversation, the explanation of Ella's first period, the struggles that would occur when she grew old enough to wear a bra. The decision did not take long to make - Ella was going to need a new mother.
A new mother was found. Not long afterwards Crazy Bill finally laid his demons to rest, as well as Ella's father, in a switch-blade duel on a cliff. It ended with both men plunging off the summit of the cliff into the roaring sea below as 'Jenny Again' by Tunng played in the background. Little Ella was an orphan, and her life was changed forever.
Her new existence was not a vale of unmixed sunshine. As per the rules of storybook land, Ella's new stepmother was, not to put too fine a point on it, a heinous cow. She was the sort of woman who, when people left her missed calls, sent them missed calls back. Her secret handshake with her intimate friends was the Nazi salute. She oppressed poor Ella dreadfully.
She had two daughters who had wonderful personalities even if they did not conform to the standards of beauty at the time. Jane had an unfortunate nose and the kindest thing that could be said for Ruby's face was that all the general parts seemed to be present and correct, even if they had gotten a little mixed up and battered in the process of assembly. They were called 'the ugly stepsisters'. Their own mother rarely referred to them as anything else, which was a bit weird.
"Hey, ugly stepsisters," Ella's stepmother would say, flicking her long, blow-dried hair, "Pass the salt."
And they would pass the salt, the fine crystals dampened with their tears. It was a terrible situation. And it didn't help the seasoning much either.
One day, a ball was held in the kingdom to find a bride for the young prince.
<to be continued> <again> < lol>
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