After a long and arduous search (meaning I was on Google for a few minutes), I finally discovered an appropriate title for this post. At first I was going to call it, "How To Sound Like an Absolute Tit", but I decided against that for various reasons, mostly because we try to preserve a thin, mostly superficial, veneer of classiness on this blog. When I say 'we', I mean my various personalities and I. In other words, the blame for the perpetration of this blog rests solely on my head and on the head of no other person, except perhaps my parents, and a few English teachers who enthusiastically suggested that my class, as a whole, start blogs (a crime against humanity for which, I have no doubt, they have long since repented).
What I mean is that in this post I'm going to tell you how to annoy people. Aggravate. Bedevil. Badger. Infuriate. I hope you've received the general idea, because thesaurus.com is running out of options. There are many recorded incidents of the success of this method throughout history and literature and I myself have used it with spectacular results on several occasions. A warning: people who adopt this strategy too enthusiastically might find themselves socially ostracized/ hated/ mysteriously murdered under tragic circumstances. Bearing these words of caution in mind, let us proceed.
THE MOST SUREFIRE, FOOL-PROOF, HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN WAY TO MAKE PEOPLE LONG TO DISEMBOWEL YOU KNOWN TO MAN OR BEAST DURING THE COURSE OF RECORDED HISTORY: (maybe some of those things aren't true. It is also possible that none of them are true. There is always a percentage of error in statements like this)
Use Latin (or another extinct and irrelevant language's) expressions where they are absolutely unnecessary. No knowledge of Latin is required at all, except for basic understanding of a few key phrases that I am going to explain to you.
FOR EXAMPLE:
1) Ecce homo (behold the man):
Scene: A friend has been missing for some time and you have found him
Robert: Have you seen Aditya anywhere?
Mark: No, and I would dearly like to, for the sorry son-born-out-of-wedlock owes me a large amount of money!
You (pulling forward Aditya, triumphantly): Ecce homo!
Aditya: YOU CALLING ME GAY, BRUH?
2) Ne te quaesiveris extra:
Scene: A friend has lost his keys.
Friend: I can't find my keys anywhere!
You: Ne te quaesiveris extra.
Friend: What on earth does that mean?
You: (sniggering slightly): You mean, you don't understand Latin? Oh, you poor, sorry fool.
Friend (turning a bright shade of magenta): Never mind that, what does it mean?
You: (superciliously): Do not seek for things outside yourself.
<painful scene of violence and profanity>
The drawbacks of this method are, of course, that one day you may meet a person who actually knows Latin (because, regrettably, such people do exist) and the result will most probably be such extreme humiliation that you will ultimately be forced to systematically track down and destroy all witnesses of it. But until then, you can surround yourself with a glow of superior knowledge and carpe diem in the caveat emptor along with the rhinoviral of the post hoc, ergo propter hoc.
Donec iterum conveniant fratrem!
What I mean is that in this post I'm going to tell you how to annoy people. Aggravate. Bedevil. Badger. Infuriate. I hope you've received the general idea, because thesaurus.com is running out of options. There are many recorded incidents of the success of this method throughout history and literature and I myself have used it with spectacular results on several occasions. A warning: people who adopt this strategy too enthusiastically might find themselves socially ostracized/ hated/ mysteriously murdered under tragic circumstances. Bearing these words of caution in mind, let us proceed.
THE MOST SUREFIRE, FOOL-PROOF, HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN WAY TO MAKE PEOPLE LONG TO DISEMBOWEL YOU KNOWN TO MAN OR BEAST DURING THE COURSE OF RECORDED HISTORY: (maybe some of those things aren't true. It is also possible that none of them are true. There is always a percentage of error in statements like this)
Use Latin (or another extinct and irrelevant language's) expressions where they are absolutely unnecessary. No knowledge of Latin is required at all, except for basic understanding of a few key phrases that I am going to explain to you.
FOR EXAMPLE:
1) Ecce homo (behold the man):
Scene: A friend has been missing for some time and you have found him
Robert: Have you seen Aditya anywhere?
Mark: No, and I would dearly like to, for the sorry son-born-out-of-wedlock owes me a large amount of money!
You (pulling forward Aditya, triumphantly): Ecce homo!
Aditya: YOU CALLING ME GAY, BRUH?
2) Ne te quaesiveris extra:
Scene: A friend has lost his keys.
Friend: I can't find my keys anywhere!
You: Ne te quaesiveris extra.
Friend: What on earth does that mean?
You: (sniggering slightly): You mean, you don't understand Latin? Oh, you poor, sorry fool.
Friend (turning a bright shade of magenta): Never mind that, what does it mean?
You: (superciliously): Do not seek for things outside yourself.
<painful scene of violence and profanity>
The drawbacks of this method are, of course, that one day you may meet a person who actually knows Latin (because, regrettably, such people do exist) and the result will most probably be such extreme humiliation that you will ultimately be forced to systematically track down and destroy all witnesses of it. But until then, you can surround yourself with a glow of superior knowledge and carpe diem in the caveat emptor along with the rhinoviral of the post hoc, ergo propter hoc.
Donec iterum conveniant fratrem!
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