I'm surprised I haven't done this one already. Now, since this blog has a fairly even readership of both men and women, and by that I mean both my Dad and my Mom read this blog, this is a good issue to bring up. Ladies, nod your way knowingly through this post, boys, read on apprehensively as I expose the dark and torturous things women subject themselves to solely for your gratification.
Just a note in the beginning, the following post need not apply to everyone's experience of hair removal. Different individuals have differently sensitive skin and, also, I think that in the area of hair removal, Indian women suffer especially, because (I'm just going to say it, ladies. Don't hate me) we are quite hairy. Oh well, you can't have everything. Without further ado, I give you 'Hair Removal 101'.
WAXING (Suffer for beauty!)
Possibly the most efficient and also, coincidentally, most horror-movie-ish method of hair removal. Let me just run you through what happens when you go for a wax. To any men who think any of this is exaggeration, this is the gospel truth. If anything, I will tone down the suffering we go through because otherwise you will be traumatized just reading about it.
First, you need to strip down and change into the garment the salon gives you, and then lie down on a bed, dreading the sound of your torturer's footsteps approaching. While this happens you can hum a merry tune to distract yourself from the oncoming pain. When the freedom fighters were thrown into prison during the freedom struggle, they found that chanting Sanksrit poetry kept their spirits up. You can try this as well. Personally, I recommend quietly singing 'I'm a Little Teapot', or some such upbeat number.
What happens next is so horrific that it boggles my mind even as I write about it that we actually pay people to do this to us. The salon attendants take boiling hot wax and spread it over your body with iron spatulas. The wax is supposed to be the roughly the temperature of the sun to be effective, but not a whimper of protest must escape your tightly clenched teeth. Bear it like a man, and think about Brooke Davis' legs in 'One Tree Hill' for motivation. Well, that doesn't sound too bad, you say. But wait! There's more.
The wax should have cooled down by now and fused with both your body hair, and the uppermost layer of your epidermis. Thetorturer demon servant of karma parlour lady picks up a waxing strip and rubs it on a patch of wax. Then, with one swift, decisive movement, she rips it off leaving behind a patch of un-hairy, soft and smooth skin. Let me repeat that for you: she rips the hair out of your body along with the top layer of old skin.
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The feeling is a brief, stinging agony, that leaves you with no desire besides to curl up into a little ball and howl. There's no time to do this though because she's doing it again- and again and again. This goes on continually for almost ten minutes, depending on where exactly you're getting waxed. I think I've said enough.
So, gentlemen, next time you see a young lady in shorts, or a sleeveless shirt, take a moment to be silent and appreciate the pain and suffering she has gone through. It is for you, ogling bystander, that she martyred herself.
Threading
All of you 'sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me' people, I don't understand why you don't look into hair removal for kicks. I actually don't have much to say about threading except that it hurts too. Also, it results in nice eyebrows!
Besides these, there are of course the various other techniques like lasering (no idea what happens at all, but apparently it doesn't result in a hair-free forever after. Huh.), shaving (great at the moment, but skin resembles nothing more than a cactus on the day after) and epilation (long and torturous).
I'm glad I wrote this post. I feel like the women who go through all these things are like unsung heroes, and nobody appreciates theirstupidity sacrifices. I really, really hope the day comes in the future when nobody cares about body hair. In that brave new world, maybe hairy people will even be considered aesthetically appealing. Don't worry, fellow desi girls, our time approaches. Till then I guess we'll continue our plucking and pulling. Also, I think our judicial system should seriously start looking into these things as a punishment for rapists and such.
Next post: Guilty Pleasures: My Public Confession. Keep on keeping on, you guys :) I hope you had a great Saturday filled with sunshine and rainbows and pani puri.
LOOK A FOLLOW BUTTON!!!
Just a note in the beginning, the following post need not apply to everyone's experience of hair removal. Different individuals have differently sensitive skin and, also, I think that in the area of hair removal, Indian women suffer especially, because (I'm just going to say it, ladies. Don't hate me) we are quite hairy. Oh well, you can't have everything. Without further ado, I give you 'Hair Removal 101'.
WAXING (Suffer for beauty!)
Possibly the most efficient and also, coincidentally, most horror-movie-ish method of hair removal. Let me just run you through what happens when you go for a wax. To any men who think any of this is exaggeration, this is the gospel truth. If anything, I will tone down the suffering we go through because otherwise you will be traumatized just reading about it.
First, you need to strip down and change into the garment the salon gives you, and then lie down on a bed, dreading the sound of your torturer's footsteps approaching. While this happens you can hum a merry tune to distract yourself from the oncoming pain. When the freedom fighters were thrown into prison during the freedom struggle, they found that chanting Sanksrit poetry kept their spirits up. You can try this as well. Personally, I recommend quietly singing 'I'm a Little Teapot', or some such upbeat number.
What happens next is so horrific that it boggles my mind even as I write about it that we actually pay people to do this to us. The salon attendants take boiling hot wax and spread it over your body with iron spatulas. The wax is supposed to be the roughly the temperature of the sun to be effective, but not a whimper of protest must escape your tightly clenched teeth. Bear it like a man, and think about Brooke Davis' legs in 'One Tree Hill' for motivation. Well, that doesn't sound too bad, you say. But wait! There's more.
The wax should have cooled down by now and fused with both your body hair, and the uppermost layer of your epidermis. The
The feeling is a brief, stinging agony, that leaves you with no desire besides to curl up into a little ball and howl. There's no time to do this though because she's doing it again- and again and again. This goes on continually for almost ten minutes, depending on where exactly you're getting waxed. I think I've said enough.
So, gentlemen, next time you see a young lady in shorts, or a sleeveless shirt, take a moment to be silent and appreciate the pain and suffering she has gone through. It is for you, ogling bystander, that she martyred herself.
Threading
All of you 'sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me' people, I don't understand why you don't look into hair removal for kicks. I actually don't have much to say about threading except that it hurts too. Also, it results in nice eyebrows!
Besides these, there are of course the various other techniques like lasering (no idea what happens at all, but apparently it doesn't result in a hair-free forever after. Huh.), shaving (great at the moment, but skin resembles nothing more than a cactus on the day after) and epilation (long and torturous).
I'm glad I wrote this post. I feel like the women who go through all these things are like unsung heroes, and nobody appreciates their
Next post: Guilty Pleasures: My Public Confession. Keep on keeping on, you guys :) I hope you had a great Saturday filled with sunshine and rainbows and pani puri.
LOOK A FOLLOW BUTTON!!!
1 comment:
Hahaha! Hilarious! I shall be appropriately appreciative of the (stupidity) sacrifices that the next woman I ogle has made :) Hope she does not repay my appreciation with abuses :)
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