Good Advice On Everything That Matters

[EDIT: This post was inspired by some unwanted ads that were showing up on my blog. Because I'm a computer whiz (and because Blogger has a good help forum. Mostly because Blogger has a good help forum), I've fixed it. Nevertheless, online ads that are in reality Heinous Schemes to Trick You and Terrible Traps are some of our modern problems, and the information below will help you to deal with them! Now that we've cleared that up, read on.]

        What is with these links that are coming up in my posts? It's clearly an ad of some sort and this is highly upsetting because a) the green doesn't look nice and b) I'm not getting any money out of this. Also, if they're planning on conning people out of their credit card information, or whatever that link does, shouldn't they promise something a bit more plausible?

        When it comes to the internet, there are some very basic things to keep in mind. Honestly, you guys, I shouldn't have to explain this stuff. Tsk tsk. Viewers, please remember: this world is not a nice place, (children, avert your eyes now) Santa Claus doesn't exist, (alright, you can look again) and very few people like giving iPads for free to random strangers. Also, those ads that show pictures of busty blondes in revealing underwear saying things like 'I'm lonely and desperate and would even be into YOU', I highly doubt that women who look like that would need to put an ad on the internet to find partners in the first place, and in the second place, not even lonely, desperate people would be into you.

 

             JUST KIDDING.

            We need a new set of proverbs for our generation- 'Think Before You Click,' 'Don't Trust People Named 'juicyblondepony83458' and 'Remember To Clear Your Internet History'.

             I recently started preparations for the next set of examinations (FUN FUN FUN), and for a few days was utterly overwhelmed by how absolutely unprepared I am for the entrances. I was talking to the kids at school today and they were moaning about it too. Kid One was like "Dude, I'm totally failing, I've only been studying for this since, like, tenth standard," and Kid Two was like "Bitch please, I've just been preparing for JEE since twelfth, I'm DEAD," and I was like, "Haha, I started preparing yesterday."
           
            Sigh.

           BUT THEN- I remembered that

            And so, I decided that I'm not going to study for the JEE Main, or AIEE, or CET, or whatever. I'm just going to study SCIENCE. And then I stopped being sad and started being awesome again. (Also, I'm probably going to fail all my exams. Kids, don't do like this, okay? Science is not for fun- science is for getting good job and American wife. Get off the internet and go back to your textbooks.)

          I shall leave you with a question I've been pondering for a few days. Do I dream because I'm lonely, or am I lonely because I dream?

My Deepest Darkest Not-So-Secret-Anymores

                  Gah, okay, let's get this over with.

My Guiltiest Pleasures:
1. I secretly like One Direction now (not so secretly any more, I guess). I tried and tried to resist their cuteness and- well, their cuteness basically, but I couldn't. Just like my pathetic surrender to jeggings. DON'T MISTAKE ME- I still have no value for them as musicians (even though 'The Best Song Ever' is insanely catchy. You know what, make the rest of this post better, just turn it on and dance to it while you read this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcZBhvSxg_8) because they don't write their own songs, or even play their own instruments. They just sing well and any fool can do that (highly ironic considering that my shower-time serenading sends the neighbours running to our house pleading that we stop torturing the poor cat. True, and funny, story, I was trying to see how high I could go this one time when my sister was asleep, and she rolled over and said, with great urgency, "Ma! Help the poor animal.") 

Let's not be in any doubt over this: I consider One Direction a group of performers and nothing more, and I am outraged by any comparisons between them and the Beatles. That being said, they're adorable and I want a giant ceiling- sized poster of them for Christmas to plaster to my bedroom (you guessed it) ceiling. Quick run through of the reasons why I no longer pretend to hate this British boy band:

Harry Styles Hairy Styles (Yes, I'm doing this just for that play on words):

   




Can I just say- he is incredibly beautiful? Okay, let's leave it at that. (Follow me for Harry Styles' incredibly voluminous brown crop? Guess what he's hiding in there in the comment section? No? Dammit, STOP REJECTING MY EFFORTS TO INVOLVE YOU.)


2. Reading celebrity gossip. I know, I know, it's stupid and superficial, and no sensible person would exhibit any interest in whether or not Kristen Stewart really is expecting a little Twilight baby, or Miley Cyrus has orange or beetroot juice for breakfast, or whatever, but I just can't help myself! I will happily spend HOURS reading about every insignificant, trivial detail of their flashy lives, and I am as disgusted about this as you are. Moving on.

3. Sometimes I dip Hide 'n' Seek biscuits in peanut butter and eat them. Once when I was having a particularly bad day, I dipped them in freaking Nutella (freaking Nutella tastes much better than just plain Nutella by the way.) I am aware that this makes me undeserving to live on this planet and I would just like to take this moment to apologize to humanity. I'm sorry, humanity.

4. I actually enjoy watching America's Next Top Model. Sometimes I even forget to pretend that I'm just watching the show to laugh at the Amerian fashion industry and everything it stands for. The truth is those bimbos and their in-house issues and Tyra's mad rhyming skills are just engrossing.

And that concludes it. If you don't hear from me again it's probably because I'm lying face-down in a pool of peanut butter, covered in cookie crumbs and reading about Rihanna's favourite breakfast cereal while "What Makes You Beautiful" plays on repeat in the background. Ttyl, gotta finish watching that season of ANTM with my sister.

SCIENCE JOKE! What d'yu get when you drag a sobbing conductor through a uniform magnetic field? Emotional e.m.f. (Explanation for the commerce students: this is normally called MOTIONAL emf :P  Aaaand, my joke is dead. CURSE YOU, COMMERCE STUDENTS. YOU ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH.)

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Hilarious Symbols and Conspiracy Theories. The standard of this blog is clearly increasing.

Dear The Internets,

         This waking up at freaking-ridiculous a.m. to study and then writing blog posts is starting to be a bad habit, but it is only one of the many ways in which you keep me from being productive. I forgive you, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to watch Ryan Higa. All. The. Time. Not in the creepy, Grudge/Shutter-y way, in the subscriber on Youtube way, of course. I don't stalk him! Honestly!

           See, I knew that stupid letter format they made us study in tenth would come in useful someday. I should really have started this with मथुर स्म्रिथि , भग्वान  की कृपा से ...but I don't know how to translate "Have a totes awesome Friday, you guys" to Hindi. ख़ुशी शुक्रवार , आप लोग ? I have no idea.

           Hey y'all how's it going? One of the good things about science is that there are no girls, and one of the bad things about science is that there are no girls. It's a good thing because everyone notices when you're absent (I bunked school yesterday! With my parents permission, to catch up on sleep. I'm so rebel like?) It would be kind of hard not to notice when I'm absent though. So much less background noise. And it's a bad thing because you have to deal with that much more sexism.

Me, in the Chemistry lab, wearing badass lab coat: Ugh, work you stupid reagent. Work or, so help me, I will involve H2SO4 in this.
Guy sitting in front of me, whispering to his friend: PMS!

         Speaking of the guys in my class, they're losing their minds. No, I'm serious, this time they've actually flipped the lid. Lost their marbles. Gone bananas. You get the picture. Rose and I walked into class one day and they were all circled around the board, laughing really hard.

         So we went up to see what the joke was, right, and the only thing on the entire black board was an '=' sign and the date in the corner of the board. It would make sense if they were giggling at a wrong equation or something, because then we could've been like, "That is so not logical, LOLOL," but they weren't! They were laughing at an equal to sign. Is it too late to switch to Commerce?

             The more I learn about electronics, the more I realize, this technology is not my friend. We all think we're in control of the machines, because that's what they want us to believe. Sheldon Cooper has already realized this, he won't keep his money in the bank ('she got no money in the bank, oh!' Don't pretend you know what I'm talking about) because "when the robots rise, the ATMs will lead the charge." I agree with him completely, and we should all go back to living in caves and cooking food over fires before it's too late and we're forced to endure computers poking us in awkward places and going "How d'you like it now, huh?! Can't safely eject pen drives, can you? Safely eject this!"

           If you must own one of these harbringers of doom, and instruments of darkness though, the iPads are probably the safest option. They can't do much by way of torture, except release a newer, better version when you've already sold your house, wife and children to buy the latest one.

          As you can see, it's not just the guys in my class who are going crazy. If a point arrives in the future when I start posting stuff like this: "<" or maybe this: "*"  and expect you to laugh, I apologize in advance.
          It's Friday! Get off the computer and have some fun! Go eat a cupcake or something.
                                                                                                                                  Sincerely,
                                                                                                                                            Joanna Koshy
                                                                                                                                               (13/7/2012)

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P. S. I'm typing this on my Dad's laptop and the 'g' button almost doesn't work. If I was a vindictive person, I wouldn't have bothered pushing extra hard and you would have had to struggle through a post that read like it was written by a drunk redneck on New Year's eve (for some reason, that's when I imagine rednecks get extra drunk. Not that I've ever met a redneck. Do porkies count?) and you wouldn't want that, would you? Maybe I would be more interesting if I was a redneck. Tomorrow's post: Pigs, Chickens and Paw's... um... <Insert redneck-y noun here>. Gosh-darned city folk! Stop reading! I said, go have some fun!          

P. P. S. What does Edward Cullen do after he washes the clothes? Eclipse them up! Happy Friday!

Science-ey and I Know It

I just experienced one of those moments of euphoria, the kind that can validate an entire existence. If I was a drop out crackhead who continued to live with her parents at the age of fifty, and I experienced one of these moments, I would be able to say with absolute confidence that my life, rather than a fail, was an epic win. It wasn't a thunderbolt or a crack of lightning, like the kind you get when you finally understand a really hard concept, it was more like a light drizzle that grew quietly, getting louder and louder, until it was as beautiful as the peak of a rainstorm when the sky and the earth look like they're connected by a sheet of water, almost as impenetrable as a brick wall and a thousand times more lovely. The benefit of living in the tropics is being able to experience things like this, the downsides include poverty and mosquitoes.
My light drizzle started when two of my friends started singing the chorus of MIKA- Grace Kelly, you know, the part that goes "I can be brown, I can be blue, I can be violet sky-". I listened to these two out of tune teenagers, screaming out lyrics while walking home, shirts untucked and ties pulled down, and I felt like the shepherds must have when they heard the first Noel. My jaw dropped, actually dropped, which is something I thought only happened in over-dramatic TV serials, and I stared at them like they were a choir full of angels, complete with flute and sax players, rather than people who couldn't be more tone deaf if they were really deaf. And then the small mist of contentment just grew and grew until, at a point when I was standing next to a slightly alarming cow and a garbage dump, I felt like jumping and dancing and crying with the sheer ecstasy of being alive. Before you start sending polite and carefully worded messages to my parents asking whether their daughter is entirely normal, I have these moments very rarely, and if you have ever experienced anything like this, you will understand and you will be happy for me, you hypothetical killjoys.

Hey y'all how's it going? So while my small private party inside my head was going on (what a find this blog would be for any psychologist. You guys must be eyeing your couches longingly and wondering when I'll be lying on them, letting you unravel the intricacies of my twisted mind), I realized something extremely rewarding. I really, really love what I'm doing at this point of time and I wouldn't be in any other place, or in any other situation than the one I'm in right now. It's not like I was miserable or anything before, I've always been a happy little dweeb, but I am especially content right now. I love science. I really do. And the thought that I'll be studying something I love for the next two years, and possibly for the rest of my lifetime, fills me with joy and the desire to write poetry of some sort. Don't worry you guys, I will resist the temptation.

That's all I have to say right now. ISC Sci is surprisingly drama-filled (who knew nerds would lead such intricate social lives?) and I am extremely busy. Also, if you know me personally, here's something that will make you ROFL, or possibly LYAO, I'm part of the school's basketball program. If you don't know me personally, you can have fun imagining why this would make anybody ROFLMAO. See? Everybody wins!

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P. S. OMG, the current went off before I could save this. Add power cuts to the list of downsides. Fortunately, Blogger, all powerful and merciful, auto saved it. Everybody say, "Thank you Blogger!"

P. P. S Or- or not. You know, do whatever you want. Watch this video for instant happiness.

Crap Science Students Say

The internet. Typing. Not writing feverishly while tapping on a calculator. Free time, how I have missed thee. First week of school over, whoo! Only a hundred and seven to go.
ISC Science is all it's cracked up to be people. And what it's cracked up to be is twenty four/seven hard work, text books the size of small elephants and calculations up to eight decimal points. I've had a week of this and the only reason I haven't yet gone:- a)stark raving mad, as in hair-ripping, eye-rolling, wandering the streets of Bangalore naked singing 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts' mad or b) to the Alsoor Lake, to make a hole in it, is because I've got a decent number of ex- classmates in my new class, and these lifesavers are crack enough to make me laugh at least sixteen times a day. Curb your disappointment, there's another two years of this left. I wouldn't discount any interestingly clothed serenading yet. *tries to strangle self with keyboard cord*.

Hey y'all how's it going? My NRI Dad's home from Saudi! Needless to say, it's lovely having him here, especially since he came with an iPad for his doting offspring. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how to ensure a warm reception in style.

That was the good news. Brace yourselves, here comes the cloud part of the silver lining. There will probably be very few posts from now on as ISC doesn't exactly leave you a lot of free time. Expect them once a week if you're lucky, and the sadists who teach me have only set me around three years' worth of homework to do in a couple of days.

Staggering workload aside, eleventh grade in Clarence is shaping out to be decent. My teachers are mostly nice, sometimes we get the rest of the day off for no reason at all and my new classmates are cool. Cool-ish. The advantage of taking science as your stream is getting lab coats and using the awesome chemistry equipment. The disadvantage is getting stuck in the same room with Bangalore's brightest and most-intelligent-as-dammit on a regular basis. You can practically hear their brains sloshing around in their skulls when they move, which doesn't facilitate the most comfortable conversations. I feel like I'm talking to a more advanced, refined species and they receive the impression that they're conversing with a chimpanzee. Or possibly a dumber type of goldfish. I'll check with them and get back to you.

Besides lab coats, the only thing keeping me from chucking the calculator and vernier callipers in the path of an oncoming train, is the hilarious jokes science students come up with. Here are the best, collected and organized by myself. Enjoy this, this is all my fried brain's coming up with. I'm trying to think of witty things to say but all that's coming out is stuff like 'Young's modulus of elasticity' and 'non-stoichiometric compounds'.

1. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a whiskey and soda. After he's done, he asks the bar tender for the bill.
Bar tender: "For you, no charge."

2. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.

3. What do you get when you throw a laptop into the ocean? A Dell, rolling in the deep.

There are more, but they're unfit for a public forum such as this. To finish up a spectacular display of PJs, I present to you:

Crap Science Students Say:
1. Diss the second law of thermodynamics one more time, and I'll break your calculator.

2. Minus b, plus or minus the root of b squared minus four a c, the whole thing divided by two a.

3. Yo Mamma so dumb, she tried using nanoparticles as an epoxidation catalyst. (This one always gets major LOLs.)

4. Hey dudes, it's a Friday night, let's  do something wild and try to prove Newton's laws of gravity wrong. (TGIF! TGIF!)

And that's all for today folks. I got the science jargon from my favourite web comic, Questionable Content. Don't worry, I don't know what half of it means either. In other news, today is father's day! Today morning my Dad coughed a couple of times in a hinting sort of way and said something about how everybody's writing their dad a poem, so, aged relative, here you go:

Roses are red,
Pink and Purple too,
I'm glad that half
Of my genetic material is from you.

That's a poem okay?! It rhymes, okay?!


Good Gay Lussac, it's Monday tomorrow. I've been chosen for the Albert Barrow writing competition thing so wish me luck for that. Byeeee xoxoxo

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Laughter is The Best Medicine

Okay you guys, I know I promised there'd be a funny long post by now but honestly I have nothing whatever to talk about. I don't feel like whining. This is a very new situation for me. I"m actually, in this bubble of time, left hanging with nothing to be particularly annoyed at. I think I'm sick.
Hey y'all how's it going? Speaking of sickness, a couple of weeks back, I threw a sissy fit and threw away a tub of strawberry yogurt because there was this weird fluid-y thing on top. I realized AFTERWARDS that the liquid didn't necessarily mean my glorified milk was possessed. As you can imagine, my mom got pretty mad because yogurt is basically the only calcium-rich thing I eat (chocolate and ice-cream are apparently not calcium-rich. Well, hell, now what's my excuse?) and yesterday she made me research the calcium requirement of a teenage girl and what can happen if you don't drink your delicious cow secretions. So I started looking this stuff up because my mom gets mad fast and fury, unfortunately, does not impair her aim.
 Pretty soon I discovered that I had osteoporosis. I went through the symptoms and causes and everything and I figured out that I was, incredibly, suffering from osteoporosis. That stuff they put up about it affecting only women above sixty five? All crap. So after that, I got pretty freaked out. I mean, I'd had a major disease all this time and not even been aware of it. So I looked up some more diseases. And by the end of half an hour I was amazed that I was alive. I have every single symptom of every disease I read about. It said a symptom of chicken pox was itching. AS SOON AS I FREAKING READ IT my shoulder started. One of the main indicators of dengue is sudden and abrupt fevers. No sooner had I finished reading the sentence than I felt my face and realized it was burning hot. Like, wow. I went through twenty seven diseases and I have around twelve of them. I've decided not to worry about it though, like Mark Twain says, "Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint."
Okay, the actual reason for all that shameless hyperbole in the previous paragraph was because I think people nowadays are kind of.... let's say, um,  interested in their health. Which is not a bad thing at all because it is true that what with global warming, pollution and all that terrible music coming out, 2012 is a pretty bad place to be in health-wise. This is without even taking into consideration the end of the world in December. That being said, while I agree it's important to eat vegetables and exercise, doing this to the point where you're excluding anything else is not healthy at all. It's actually intensely damaging to your physical and mental well-being. It's also CRAZY to avoid things that you NEED for daily life just so that you can apparently live longer. For example, it is true that there are millions of germs living on toilet seats. But then again, there are also millions of germs living on your hands. It's fine for your butt to make contact with the seat, just like it's fine to shake hands with someone as long as your hygiene levels are okay.
You know how a couple of centuries ago we were paranoid about black cats and full moons? Even though science has come along and destroyed all those theories, it has also created a lot of new completely rubbish superstitions. I read the science section of the newspaper everyday and most of the "facts" and "studies have shown's" that they give you today are generally the opposite of what they told you last week and then tomorrow they'll probably be like, "Whoops, sorry, we were right the first time." Although we are right about a lot of things at this point, there's still an entire universe that we don't know anything about yet. It's okay to accept that there are still phenomena that we can't explain yet. Unfortunately a lot of people are not comfortable with this fact and publish, in some cases, absolute bogus without any factual scientific evidence. Whoah, I do have something to whine about. Oh, good. I was worried there for a second.
I actually have a lot more to say on this topic but it's eleven fifty-eight again so I'm just going to go. Good night! mwaaaahhzzz
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